i don't even know how to go about explaining how i feel. i don't even know why i feel this way. all i know is i feel alone. i know that i've never felt so alone in my life. normally, i know what i want, why i want it, and how i'm gonna go about getting it, but right now, i feel really lost. there are so many things in my life that don't make any type of sense. there are so many things i hold on to, that make life harder. so much i figure will change, and i know deep down inside will never change. i wish i understood why i felt the way i felt about people, why i feel like i gotta be like Jesus and give everyone a second chance. yes, i'm christian, but being a christian doesn't account for being just plain ol naive.
yes i'm hard on myself, i'm the hardest critic i own. yes i have haters and people who try hard to be me, but of all people, i'm the one who critiques myself the most. if i don't get what i want or if things don't end up the way i want, i always wind up pointing the finger at myself. if he doesn't want me, or if i don't make everyone happy i always figure it's me, when 99.9% of the time it's not. i know the truth, but i refuse to think it. being someone else's puppet all of your life, whether it be your parents or your significant other at the time doesn't help define you either.
i still hold on to things i know will never change, if i don't change my disposition. just because i figure i can wait, doesn't mean i can wait forever. and the problem on the other hand, is people think i'mma always be there. if you're not there for me, you bests believe, i'm not gonna put myself out there to be shot at again. people are just anal as hell. only in it for themselves. only in things for self-gain. if we all were like that, then how would any of us make it anywhere in life, you gotta love or care for someone else like you care for yourself, and if you don't...what kind of person are you? i just couldn't be that way. i couldn't see myself being selfish just because he or she is. i'm tryna be the person i need to be. but i know one thing i need to change is how much i give others chances...
i'm just tired. of being cheated on, lied to, hurt, screwed over, played, deceived, blamed, and belittled. i don't do it to others, so i don't deserve and i won't put up with it anymore. i'm what i need to be, and just because those people can't seem to understand it, doesn't mean i need to go about explaining it to them.
if people minded their business it would be a better place. screw the drama and violence cry, i'm all for the mind your business campaigne. people need to do it more often.
i try my hardest to maintain a blank face, but on the inside, there's a whole lot more than you could ever imagine..